+i am not a pretty girl. that is not what i do. i ain't no damsel in distress. and i don't need to be rescued. so put me down punk. maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair. isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere. i am not an angry girl. but it seems like i've got everyone fooled. every time i say something they find hard to hear. they chalk it up to my anger. and never to their own fear. and imagine you're a girl. just trying to finally come clean. knowing full well they'd prefer you. were dirty and smiling. and i am sorry. i am not a maiden fair. and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere. and generally my generation. wouldn't be caught dead working for the man. and generally i agree with them. trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan. and i have earned my disillusionment. i have been working all of my life. and i am a patriot. i have been fighting the good fight. and what if there are no damsels in distress. what if i knew that and i called your bluff?. don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down. whether or not you ever show up.+ ani the folksta Fuck, just cry yourself to sleep...

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( 5 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[16 Aug 2004|09:07pm]
i always feel like I'm being avoided. rebecca's phone doesn't work. no one is home there. no one responds to my emails on the list serv. i dont really feel like they want me around.

im so fucking self centered.

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[16 Aug 2004|08:18pm]
i saw the most GORGEOUS girl at amvets today...

i almost creamed.

( 2 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[15 Aug 2004|10:30pm]
I feel like I'm being avoided lately.

I also feel like I'm progressively becomming a huge dork/nerd/geek whatever since starting work at Hollywood Video.

I really want to get some new glasses...maybe buddy holly glasses, eh eh?

REM makes me feel really really good...

I haven't had a period in about 2-3 months. it ran away? grrr to my uterus and stress imbalances.

I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing...[no...I'm not thinking of anyone in particular.]

( 2 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[07 Aug 2004|02:53am]
[ mood | excited ]

I'm back from Ohio in one piece...hung out with some pretty cool SEAC folk, however most of the people from the conference weren't involved with SEAC at all. Here are the highlights:

-"blood stories" workshop turning into 15 women skinny dipping in the coldest water EVER. there was even a little waterfall type of thing.
-anti-oppression workshops that made me feel really uncomfortable because people were CRAZY during the caucus meetings and spent FAR too much time discussing the way the meeting should be run vs. actually talking about constructive issues. I also didn't feel queer enough to be in the queer caucus, but not straight enough to be in the alternative group meeting. It's awesome that SEAC runs lots of anti-oppression trainings, but they do them kind of...strangely.
-meeting a radical cheerleader named Ryan from Maine who met the radicatz at D.I.Y. fest.
-meeting LOTS of new people, it was awesome even though some of them were kinda strange
-being part of a no-talent show. (there should be one at the WNYSAP training at night)
-meeting a group of middle/high school students from new haven who were super verbal and awesome about wanting to work against racism in their community, and how to organize.
-lots more things.

there were a lot of really uncomfortable moments, and i think that this is one of the first conferences I've been to where i haven't made out with someone.

I think I'm developing an even bigger crush on someone, and losing others. However I feel like me sweating this person could make things with other friends weird. breakin the unity. but im pretty excited about sunday :D

so I get this new van, and my second time driving it anywhere I get parked in on Allen St. in a tiny little parking lot. Apparently I'm really awful at reading hand signals or recognizing them, because when Biff told me to stop backing up, I clearly didn't and gave a nice white car a little tap. but I finally made it out okay.

I'm kind of sad that Rebecca was distant today. I thought she might you know, at least seem a little interested in the fact that i drove my arse out there after driving 6 hours back from ohio to see her. I always feel like i mean a whole lot less to her when other radicatz folk are around. or maybe this is just me having rejection issues.

I'm sort of upset that I gave up a chance to go to DC for the USAS conference to Brenden, because you know...i figured it might help him out in getting involved. And then he decides that he's not going to go.....grrrrrrrrr

I haven't felt really excited to see someone like this in a LONG time. It's a weird feeling, but at least it's familiar.

I wish I was better at being direct with people when I just don't have feelings for them. I should really work on that because through reading eljay it seems that things are messy. This is a horrible form of communication. But you know what? would it be so hard for you to have picked up your phone and called me at ALL this week?

so blah. long entry.

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[31 Jul 2004|01:35am]
off to ohio. new things to come...

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

sleepless in buffalo [29 Jul 2004|10:05am]
I'm at WNYCOSH working on 2 hour of sleep or less, after a darn crazy night of dancing and being pulled around in a bike cart until 3am. however, Rebecca still has my wallet and I think I'll need that before I go to the SEAC conference...

It's a WNYSAP marathon!

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[27 Jul 2004|06:26pm]
My outercourse activity is roleplaying!

Which Sexual Outercourse Act Are You? (with pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[26 Jul 2004|02:08pm]
I'm still working up the nerve to call this woman from Ohio to find out about a ride to the SEAC conference...but I keep getting distracted. I'll probably just go take a bath and put it off some more...

Artists against bush gathering tonight, I'm rather excited about it. I never really hang around artsy people, which is sort of ironic. It should be a rockin time.

and now i become more avoidant and take a bubble bath...

( 1 deferred dream | where have all the cowboys gone?)

awe [23 Jul 2004|09:57am]
this song is just ridiculously cute...I can't believe I found it.

we can touch
touch our girl cheeks
and we can hold hands
like paper dolls
we can try
try each other on
in the privacy
within new york city's walls
we can kiss
kiss goodnight
and we can go home wondering
what would it be like if
if i did not have a boyfriend
we could spend
the whole night

i am waking up
in her bed
i sing 1st avenue
the open window said
always late to sleep
late to rise
lying here watching the day go by
in the living room
there are people on the carpet
having stupid conversations
just to hear themselves talk
and i am drifting through
i am heading for the kitchen
i am thinking of her fingers as i walk...

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[22 Jul 2004|04:12pm]
monday: 9-11.30 - studio 2, construct body
12.30-3 - studio 1, art & every day
6-8 - visual studies speaker series

tuesday: 8-8.50 - world civ
9.30-10.20 other world civ thingy

wed: 9-11.30 -studio 2
12.30-3 - studio 1
5-7 - visual theory, aesthetics & criticism

thurs: 9:30-10.20 - world civ thingy
6-8:50 hip hop n social issues

and i just newly added women in the global system, but i dont know the exact times yet but i believe it's tuesdays and thursdays at 12.30 or something.

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

takin' the easy way out. [22 Jul 2004|03:06pm]
Gildan Announces Closure of Honduran Factory Under Investigation by FLA and WRC

Urgent Action Alert and Campaign Update #6
Maquila Solidarity Network
July 15, 2004

In a surprise move, Montreal-based T-shirt manufacturer Gildan Activewear has announced it is closing its El Progeso factory in Honduras on September 30, effectively terminating discussions with the Fair Labor Association (FLA) and Worker Rights Consortium (WRC) on corrective action to address worker rights violations at the factory that were substantiated by recent independent audits carried out by the two organizations.

Gildan's decision to cut and run from the factory in the midst of negotiations on corrective action is totally unacceptable and a clear violation of the FLA's corporate membership requirements.

MSN is demanding that Gildan reverse its decision to close the factory and comply with all recommendations for corrective action being requested by the FLA and WRC as a result of their investigations.

If Gildan refuses to reverse its decision, MSN will be calling on the FLA to suspend Gildan's membership as a FLA Participating Company until the company demonstrates its willingness to operate in good faith.

more info:

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

not going. [22 Jul 2004|03:01pm]
If you don't fucken want me to go, then just say it. If you think this is about you, it probably is.


nice mean nice mean nice mean nice mean

( 2 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

sweatpants. [19 Jul 2004|05:09am]
I absolutely love my ability to be a total slob when I don't have to go anywhere. I love how I can just sit around in a dirty tank top and sweatpants, grimy as anything, and just do whatever I want to.

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[18 Jul 2004|01:09pm]
i dont think im going to update this as regularly and as lamely as previously seen...

( 2 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[18 Jul 2004|12:53pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

hmmmm this is weird. the few times this actually happens, I wind up regurgitating all kinds of chemical induced memories, from years back. they come back NOW to haunt me. they come back to make sure that i haven't completely forgotten about them. they come back to make sure that I still feel them, so that i'll still feel...

sometimes it's really, frankly, just annoying when people think that your life revolves around them. assume things, try to keep me constantly under the squeaky palm of their hand. it's sort of humorous in a way, because this isn't the first time i've had these conversations. this isn't the first time i've had to cope with hearing those words. it just sounds like the way i deal with myself. and it's just a fucking psychological thing. i just think that sometimes, people wish for other people to never get over things.

wow i'm really not all here, and there's so much more I would have liked to write but instead employed the delete key.

( 1 deferred dream | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[18 Jul 2004|04:09am]
ugh why are you such a goddamn shitty person?

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[18 Jul 2004|01:02am]
i have the best project ever going on.

( 4 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

sort of. [13 Jul 2004|05:43pm]
je manque mon un peu de copain...

( 2 deferred dreams | where have all the cowboys gone?)

[13 Jul 2004|05:23pm]
orientation was boring as anything, and i kept falling asleep while dennis black was welcoming us to the wonderful place that is the University at Buffalo.

however, the best thing that i really got out of it was finding out that they have a student/peer sexuality, "sex ed", sexual health counseling type of bit. And you go to a training at some point to learn what you need to know to work with them. And i think you get some kind of credits for it. huzzah! maybe...hah. i hope it doesnt end up being some bogus business...

I've been really distracted and sort of moody lately. I feel off balance. I need to look through some things from feb/march to get my arse back on task.

(where have all the cowboys gone?)

[12 Jul 2004|12:29am]
I'm in a really bad mood. I'm disappointed or something. Highly...

I need to go to bed. I feel all dizzy...

and everybody hurts, sometimes.

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